“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
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[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”
Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
guy who’s about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?
Me: ..ya know what i don’t even want it fixed
racist frat dudes.. now ive seen everything.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”