Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
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Truth. 😆😭😮💨
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!