SON: Daddy, where do tweets come from?

DAD: Well, son…when a Desire for Validation and a Character Limit love each other very, very much.

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I never question my sanity, I’m afraid it will answer back.


Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.


Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder


My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer


My spouse reminds me of He-Man.

He also sits around in his pants all day, needs a haircut and has a weird relationship with his sister.


*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house


*smoke detector goes off*
*toddler runs around screaming*
*smoke detector goes off again*
wife *walks into the kitchen*
me: How was your nap?


WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes