My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
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Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
😂 amazing answer
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
next level snooze
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.