@TheAlexNevil: "Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order." --Jaws, dubbed for England

@JJSummertime: My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

@Marlebean: [dark alley] Here's the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures. Kidnapper: Wait, don't you want your kids back?

@archerenemy: I still don't understand why people say marriage is so hard when I've successfully completed 2 of them...

@McGrumpenstein: I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”