@rebrafsim

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

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@TheRealPalMal

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

@AndrewChamings

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

@Mostly_Cheese

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

@DurtMcHurtt

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

@orangecrushable

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

@pageantmalarkey

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

@MrGirlDad

Our house has two bathrooms, but there’s a spider in one, so our house has one bathroom.

@chuuew

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]