Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
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[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure