@TheRealPalMal
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
@rebrafsim
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
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@TheRealPalMal
@AndrewChamings
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
@Mostly_Cheese
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
@DurtMcHurtt
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
@orangecrushable
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
@pageantmalarkey
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
@MrGirlDad
Our house has two bathrooms, but there’s a spider in one, so our house has one bathroom.
@chuuew
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
@Pork_Chop_Hair
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
