Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

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Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.


genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*


doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon


People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.


I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.


My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.


Our house has two bathrooms, but there’s a spider in one, so our house has one bathroom.


ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]