Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
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Iâm starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Welcome to your 40âs. Quality pens turn you on now.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto Iâm like dude I havenât even figured out regular money yet
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
You can’t make this shit up đŠ
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy anâ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what itâs fine theyâll figure it out
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. đ”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someoneâs like âi want u to assassinate this guyâ and she quotes them for 2000g and they go âwhat? thatâs so high! doesnât it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?â
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you canât see him
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?