Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
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Doctor: It turns out, you have a very rare disease
Me: Oh no
Dr: But I’ve discovered the Cure
Dr: Yes, they’re a rock band from the 80’s and 90’s, you should give them a listen with what little time you have left
– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Don’t argue with strangers on the Internet.
Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.