Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

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Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.


Doctor: It turns out, you have a very rare disease

Me: Oh no

Dr: But I’ve discovered the Cure

Me: Really?!?

Dr: Yes, they’re a rock band from the 80’s and 90’s, you should give them a listen with what little time you have left


– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?


Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”


Don’t argue with strangers on the Internet.

Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen.


BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.



[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.


A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.


Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.



Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.