Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
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The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
The Compass
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme