“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
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her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.