“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
You Might Also Like
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Interior design 👌
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
How times have changed.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”