Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
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I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*bottle with note washes up on beach
“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.