@CornOnTheGoblin

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

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@stephenjmolloy

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

@Scimommy

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

@Karissajem

Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.

@TheAlexNevil

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

@iscoff

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

@AtticusFinch79

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

@HeyitsLori

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

@newLettuce

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

@Vodkantots

Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.