@Ygrene

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

- @Ygrene

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@NicestHippo

[girl points at my scar]
What happened?
Oh that? Old sports injury.
[flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]

@pixelatedboat

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

@ch000ch

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

@minkpinkustink

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

@bencoffeehall

Each year an average of 10 people are killed by sharks while 100 people die being stepped on by cows. Where’s Cow Week, Discovery Channel?!

@justokpanda

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

@tastefactory

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

@Matt_The_1st

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

@fillthevacuum

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

@VanGobot

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine