Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.