Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.