[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
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[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it