@ShutUpThatsWho

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

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@iamburtjarvis

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

@rolldiggity

1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, “Where do babies come from?” laugh, “Where DON’T they come from!” and open every cabinet.

@horselythighs

Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic

@MatCro

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

@Alex_Houseof308

You: *Rushes to NIMC office. *Queues for 10 days* *Gets NIN* *Reactivates sim*

Whatsapp: One unread message

Crush: I think I’m in love with your friend, Mark

@Ivsy01

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

@robfee

Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.

Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN

@reallifemommy3

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

@junejuly12

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

@yonewt

Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?