me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
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1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, “Where do babies come from?” laugh, “Where DON’T they come from!” and open every cabinet.
Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
You: *Rushes to NIMC office. *Queues for 10 days* *Gets NIN* *Reactivates sim*
Whatsapp: One unread message
Crush: I think I’m in love with your friend, Mark
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.
Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?