@cepheusjackson

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

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@iwearaonesie

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

@XplodingUnicorn

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

@_elvishpresley_

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

@KissabiX

[first day as midwife]

Dr: take a look at this cervix

Me: does it matter if I haven’t seen cer I to VIII?

@KimmyMonte

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

@Cpin42

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

@DrakeGatsby

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

@Marlebean

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”