friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
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When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
[first day as midwife]
Dr: take a look at this cervix
Me: does it matter if I haven’t seen cer I to VIII?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”