SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
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If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
The two types of wives
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
the dark web is just a goth google.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)