[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
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PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Finished stitching this today 😇
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.