[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
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Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*