I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
My neck, my back, my…
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen