Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

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I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro


I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.


my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon


Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.


Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver?

*Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story*

Interviewer: you’re just what we need


On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”


Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.


I don’t really care who came first, the chicken or the egg.

I’m just glad somebody decided both could be broken and fried.


Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.


I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.