@heyitsJudeD

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

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@rickkondell

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

@matt___nelson

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

@TheAndrewNadeau

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

@SondraDeeMe

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

@MableGertrude

I would pay big bucks to Sea World to see a dolphin fly out of a water tank into the stands and start rolling around and eating people.

@joejwest

[on date]
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?

@yab_kat

[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car

@okimstillhungry

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

@KalvinMacleod

[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*

@NewDadNotes

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!