Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

You Might Also Like


The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.


[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”


The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist


Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.


I would pay big bucks to Sea World to see a dolphin fly out of a water tank into the stands and start rolling around and eating people.


[on date]
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?


[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car


Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog


[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*


God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
Snake: so fast on my legs!