Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
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As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
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The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.