SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
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I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”