son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.