@MatCro

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

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@alexisthenedd

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

@PinkCamoTO

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

@WildeThingy

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

@TheHatStore

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

@77StephanieG77

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

@iscoff

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

@godthewoman

Forget plastic surgery. Enhance your beauty by getting those around you drunk

@schmittsteve

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

@LizHackett

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

@Elizasoul80

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.