son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
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I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points