Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
You Might Also Like
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Well, this is awkward
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom