Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
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What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
For those that worship cheese..
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out