Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
That’s amazing.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
me irl
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.