Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
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A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
#Caturday
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.