Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
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Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Her: Call me names.
Me: *panicking* Lord Farquaad-
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”