Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Saturday
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Check your privilege
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions