Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.


Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when


[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think


person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???


kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…


A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”


*during sex*

Her: Call me names.

Me: *panicking* Lord Farquaad-


A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant


If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.


Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”