Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
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My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
🙁
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..