son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
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Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Can. I. Help. You.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.