son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
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[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.