Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

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My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.


If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.


Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!


An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.


[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late


the best part of Fight Club is how some guys saw Edward Norton punching himself in a parking lot and thought “hell yeah i’m on board”


just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete


A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital.

So I pushed her under a bus.


My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..