@Darlainky

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

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@copymama

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

@MichaelTrying

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

@stevevsninjas

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

@GoldenSpirals

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

@TheHyyyype

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

@DanaSchwartzzz

the best part of Fight Club is how some guys saw Edward Norton punching himself in a parking lot and thought “hell yeah i’m on board”

@iamspacegirl

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

@Ms_WhateverV

A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital.

So I pushed her under a bus.

@faizziy

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..