Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
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Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?