Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
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accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Me sliding into hell like
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.