@Book_Krazy

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

You Might Also Like

@Just_Lee_

My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.

What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?

@MaybePileJokes

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

@sophgaston

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

@Eatingmeals

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

@a_olivia4212

A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it

@sofarrsogud

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

@LittleMissAngr1

Him: How many exes do you have?

Me: Dead or alive?

Him: Wait, how many are dead?

Me: Just the bad half.

Him: What?!

Me: Half. Just half.

@thedad

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you