Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
You Might Also Like
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.