My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.
What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
You Might Also Like
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!
ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Him: How many exes do you have?
Me: Dead or alive?
Him: Wait, how many are dead?
Me: Just the bad half.
Me: Half. Just half.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you