Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
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(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.