SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
You Might Also Like
Dietest Coke
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Why soy sad?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.