SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Pikachu found the lost joint
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”