SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
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To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.