SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
#winning
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring