Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

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I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.


I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?


Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats


No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then


Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house


Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn’t have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn’t make so much god damn noise!


Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.


My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.


dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:


My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.