[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
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a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin