@SadMeterologist

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

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@drinksmcgee

If Horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that you give elderly people what they want or else they’ll place a curse on you.

@urgeekisshowing

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

@DaddyJew

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no

@dril

ive decided that nudity is acceptable if irt’s done for artistic reasons, like, promoting a mattress store,

@13spencer

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

@EllaZee5

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

@WheelTod

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

@david8hughes

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

@Cryptoterra

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed