@SadMeterologist

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

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@Molly_Kats

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

@envydatropic

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

@EliBraden

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

@Matt_The_1st

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

@just1fool

Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn’t have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn’t make so much god damn noise!

@Home_Halfway

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

@Elizasoul80

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

@coolauntV

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

@benedictevans

My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.