If Horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that you give elderly people what they want or else they’ll place a curse on you.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
ive decided that nudity is acceptable if irt’s done for artistic reasons, like, promoting a mattress store,
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed