Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
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I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
The struggle is real
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.