Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
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HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”