@DrCephalopod

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

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@IvoryGazelle

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

@lmegordon

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

@green_eyed_doll

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

@PetrickSara

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

@McNevich

I send thank you cards to people that don’t invite me to their weddings

@notviking

DR: i’m afraid you’re sterile
ME: yeah i just washed my hands
DR: no…you can’t have kids
ME: right. men can’t get pregnant
DR: you’ll never be able to pass down your genes
ME: that’s okay. when i finally have a son i’ll just buy him his own pair

@bridger_w

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

@Divergentmama

[rubbing lamp]

Genie: You have three wishes

Me: I want something that will save me time, stress and heartache every day

Genie: Done!

*all of my kids’ shoes are now velcro*

@Social_Mime

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

@zachreinert03

I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate