Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

You Might Also Like


Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.


Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.


Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.


“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism


I send thank you cards to people that don’t invite me to their weddings


DR: i’m afraid you’re sterile
ME: yeah i just washed my hands
DR: no…you can’t have kids
ME: right. men can’t get pregnant
DR: you’ll never be able to pass down your genes
ME: that’s okay. when i finally have a son i’ll just buy him his own pair


At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of


[rubbing lamp]

Genie: You have three wishes

Me: I want something that will save me time, stress and heartache every day

Genie: Done!

*all of my kids’ shoes are now velcro*


I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.


I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate