Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
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“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.