Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
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My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*