Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
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Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.