SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

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[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before


Marriage equality AND marijuana laws passed? Now we know what Leviticus really meant by “A man who layeth with another man must be stoned.”


posting a sc story for 1 specific person to see is the modern day equivalent of gatsby hosting elaborate parties in hopes that daisy attends


[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*


I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.


The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…


Body: I’m sooooooo tired



I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.


Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.