@sofarrsogud

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

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@fanofhell

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

@GeorgeTakei

Marriage equality AND marijuana laws passed? Now we know what Leviticus really meant by “A man who layeth with another man must be stoned.”

@tease

posting a sc story for 1 specific person to see is the modern day equivalent of gatsby hosting elaborate parties in hopes that daisy attends

@QwertyJones3

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

@ColoChiver

I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.

@TheBoydP

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

@SemFitty

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

@david8hughes

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

@PinkCamoTO

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.