“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!
ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
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ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.