SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

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“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie


ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day


People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.


Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.


Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?


Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?


[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD


I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.


Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.


No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.