@70Ceeks

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

You Might Also Like

@Jeffwni

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

@truegritrumble

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

@junejuly12

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

@BlindChow

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

@TheRolo

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

@shariv67

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

@Parkerlawyer

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

@Dawn_M_

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

@TheTweetOfGod

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.