Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
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Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Girls who say bestie are the worstie.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.