son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
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*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
become ungovernable
✌🏽
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Venn
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths