SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
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You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I’M CRYINGGG
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
back to work
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I hate my earbuds.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.