son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
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The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad