Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
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Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
“You’d better run, egg!”
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management